


at last.

by hilittlewonders



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Jaebeom spelled as Jaebum, M/M, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26713732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilittlewonders/pseuds/hilittlewonders
Summary: Jackson and Jaebum fall in love. It can't end well.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Jackson Wang
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	at last.

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [ну наконец-то](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24457945) by [gallyanim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallyanim/pseuds/gallyanim), [hilittlewonders](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilittlewonders/pseuds/hilittlewonders). 



> The story is set during 2016 FLY Tour (yes, it took us some time to write and then it took me even more time to translate ;;).  
> Hope you enjoy! ♥

Which came first?

That’s an awfully old and undoubtedly puzzling philosophical question. Many people have asked that about many things, and now Jackson is also pondering on his own variation of it.

Jackson can presume that repeating countless times that certain someone is chic and sexy (when in fact he’s not) came first. And after repeating for too many times Jackson now actually considers it to be true.

But what if it’s the other way around? What if that someone’s been chic and sexy all along? And that is the sole reason for Jackson’s need to repeat that phrase for a hundred times?

Though, to be completely fair, that wouldn’t be the only reason anyway. It is commonly known that Jackson likes to repeat just about anything for as much as he can, preferably loudly, standing out, the more people listening to him the better. Why not to do the same with this particular thought about someone being chic and sexy.

There’s also one more idea behind it. Maybe trying to repeat this “chic and sexy” thing as casually as any other joke would make it really become just another joke. Maybe it would help to stop even thinking about all this.

He should have counted from the very beginning to be completely sure. Is there still no salvation from these thoughts just because he hasn’t said it a hundred times yet, or should he just give up any hope for salvation? Jackson ducks his head, being earnest in not watching Jaebum, who sits, as per usual, looking like a lazy cat, somewhere across the table and a little to the side. He’s wearing a tank top and a shirt — nothing special — and is listening to one of their managers, smacking his lips at a glass of soju and smiling. Jaebum is having a good time, and Jackson just won’t watch him.

“Hey,” Bambam opens a bottle of beer for him and sympathetically slides forward some non-spicy dish instead of kimchi that was there before. “Your face looks as if you were trying to think in French.”

“About your lost fencing career,” Jinyoung, who’s sitting not a little to the side but right in front of Jackson, chimes in and pats his hand. “Don’t worry Jackson, you’re already too old, you’d have to end it around now anyways.”

Jackson makes a toast with Jinyoung and Bambam and with their staff noona and also with everyone his hands manage to reach, shouts how he doesn’t have a single regret that at this very moment he’s here with them and not with his Hong Kong fencing team, all while trying to actually bring up some basic French while they’re at it. There’s also nothing special about all of this, that’s his usual behavior at all their gatherings of this kind. And after he drinks some more, he will go hug everyone, telling every single person how exactly he’s making Jackson’s being in GOT7 amazing and unforgettable. Or she. Jackson sincerely loves all of their noonas too.

He reaches for Jaebum, too, why wouldn’t he — it’d be too weird to specifically leave him out — and if they ever get to hugging, Jackson will do that as well. He just needs to keep in check that it doesn’t last for too long. Or maybe he just shouldn’t let it get there.

Why on earth is Jaebum even this beautiful, all while being nothing special. And his earrings, damn them, Jackson has already run his lips over them for a million times in his thoughts. He is most definitely not looking at Jaebum right now, he’s actually very actively engaging with the youngsters — yes, all three of them at once — and yet Jackson knows that Jaebum is now leaning back in his seat a little and he is so very beautiful. It’s also nothing special that Jackson is being constantly aware like this. He can’t even tell when it all began, some long time ago already.

Jackson since then has most likely finished saying that Jaebum is chic and sexy for a hundred times, has probably casually hugged him even more times than that. He has to admit already, he just can’t get these thoughts out of his head.

Jackson gets up and heads to the restroom, and everything is bleary on his way, of that exact degree to comprehend that he’s drunk, but not enough to start controlling himself yet. Alcohol only gets him hyped and lightheaded a little, and in Jackson’s case nobody is paying attention to that. He’s hyped enough as he is, ha. But for Jackson personally, this state is enough to decide against immediately returning to the place where that beautiful Jaebum he can’t be looking at is seated.

At the end of the day, Jackson telling himself that everything isn’t special is about as effective as trying to weed out his real tangled thoughts by a simple “chic and sexy” joke. There _is_ something special, pleasantly so, and not only for him. This concert was different from previous ones for all of them. It’s the first one with Jaebum on stage, first one with their whole group, and it’s also Jaebum’s first time at the post-concert dinner. Maybe it’s no surprise that Jackson is tripping more than usual. Everybody’s happy that Jaebum is back and now _nothing is missing_. It’s just that Jackson is happy in a little different way. It’s just that today was the first time Jackson saw Jaebum on stage in all his chic and sexy glory, from impeccable choreography execution to goofiness in a dress.

Jaebum dancing handsomely, Jaebum squinting his eyes much like a lazy cat at the table, funny Jaebum in the red dress — it’s all too much for Jackson to take in just a day. He’s already broke his boundaries a little when he grabbed Jaebum by his cheek and smiled right into his eyes, driven by the adrenaline of being on stage. Good thing concert’s incidents like this don’t mean too much.

Thanks to merciless Asian air conditioners it’s probably even hotter out at the street than inside, but somehow this muggy air still helps clear his mind at least to a certain extent. So Jackson is standing outside near the rear exit most likely making that very face as if he were thinking about fencing in French.

“Jackson-ah,” Jaebum’s slow and mellow voice calls from the right. He’s standing right in the doorway Jackson used to come here five — Or is it ten? Fifteen? How long has he been spacing out here actually? — minutes ago. Jackson backs off a little, eyes widening:

“Hyung, you startled me.”

Jaebum’s name must sound really good if also repeated for a hundred times, especially if whispered right into him.

“You missed out on Youngjae putting an onion on fire.”

Jaebum chuckles, and Jackson is belatedly hit with sharp realization that Jaebum has left his shirt somewhere he’d been sitting at, and now they’re both standing outside in the warmth of a summer night wearing just tank tops on their upper bodies. But really, though, this also isn’t unusual at all, he’s seen Jaebum wearing tank top countless times, without it, too, and in his underwear even. Whatever the clothes, Jackson still knows what’s underneath, all the time they spent in gym together accounts for something. But Jackson can’t tell which came first in this case, too. Maybe he should run as fast as he can away from this Jaebum, who almost brushes against him with his bare shoulder while stuffing his hands into his pockets, exactly because Jackson knows what’s under that tank top. Hell, he even knows it by touch, and maybe that’s why he has the urge to touch Jaebum again and again, unless he grows tired.

And also to kiss.

They stand next to each other, listening to the crowd of cheerful people sitting inside, continuing to buzz about every topic at once. Jackson feels the same buzz of messed thoughts in his own head.

Whether to look at Jaebum or not, is there even a difference? It all comes down to the same thing anyways.

“Why’d you leave?”

Jaebum looks around as if to find somewhere to lean on. It was for a reason that back there Jackson thought of him as not just a cat, but a lazy cat. Jackson shrugs:

“To take a leak at first, but actually it’s hard to breathe back there.”

Jaebum yawns, inhaling the warm air, and sneers:

“Finding it easier to breathe outside during summer? That’s a funny thing to say.”

It was fine before you came, Jackson scoffs in his head. Before you, _hyung_ , came. Just a couple of months’ difference and it’s hyung to him already. And Jackson can’t reach over this impossible distance even when Jaebum is standing right here beside him with his shoulders bared and eyes squinting sleepily. Of course, Jackson won’t let himself voice his discontent, he’s actually not so good at fights even inside his head. And, strictly speaking, Jackson doesn’t even want to scoff that much. He wants only all those things that are not discussed in proper conversations.

“Hyung,” Jackson starts with something overly proper purposely in spite of himself. He was going to say something along the lines of “shall we head back”, because they do need to go back, don’t they? Otherwise somebody might conclude that Jackson’s drowned in the toilet. But it just happens so that Jackson doesn’t finish his phrase, because Jaebum turns around, and his face ends up right in front of Jackson’s. A coincidence, Jackson thinks to himself, coincidences like this happen. So what.

He can’t see Jaebum’s eyes — they’re normally hard to see, and even more so when they’re covered by shadows of the night — but Jackson very well knows that Jaebum is looking him straight in the eyes, from as close as possible, considering Jackson’s just a tiny bit shorter. Jaebum’s earring is glowing from the dim light of a lamp on the corner of the street, and they’re standing so close Jackson can hear Jaebum breathing and his heart beating.

You should stop with the drinking, Jackson Wang. Stop with the drinking and probably not only with that. Just, — Stop, Jackson Wang.

Jackson puts his hands on Jaebum’s chest and slides them down, stopping at the hem and clenching the material for some reason. Then unclenching it only to clench it again. And again. He’s really itching to move the fabric and touch Jaebum’s bare stomach, but he probably should’ve drunk more to be able to do that. Jaebum smells like soju he’s been sipping with that usual smile of his. He also smells like fire, as anyone who was seated next to a barbecue grill would. And also— still like sweat, even though it’s already been quite some time since the concert ended. Chic and sexy, Jackson repeats in his head absentmindedly. Why did you even come here when you are like this.

“Jackson,” says Jaebum very quietly. “Jackson, I—”

“Just don’t you dare say anything right now,” Jackson cuts him off.

And that is just enough for Jaebum to lean in a tiny bit and kiss him.

Their very first kiss ends up being clumsy and rushed, and when they break apart to catch some air Jackson realizes he’s never stopped nervously clutching at Jaebum’s tank top. He lets go, both of the fabric and of himself, because unlike Jaebum who only went for it now, Jackson’s been ready to do so for a really long time already, and he so doesn’t care at the moment.

Jackson kisses him first, and then Jaebum kisses him again, and Jackson thinks that even if they stand here all night, it still won’t be enough for them to break apart on their own will. They obviously don’t have the whole night, but Jackson will still have a memory of Jaebum’s hand resting on his nape, of how Jaebum bit his lips breathlessly and stroked Jackson’s mouth with his tongue. Every day Jackson will remember how different Jaebum was when Jackson lightly brushed against his lips, and when Jackson kissed him deep, and also the way Jaebum shivered when Jackson embraced him unwittingly, holding him too tight for a person doing it just because alcohol and concert’s high went to their head.

And Jackson wants more. He still doesn’t bring himself to get his hands under Jaebum’s tank top, and he doesn’t have time to count Jaebum’s earrings with his lips, they don’t have time to do _anything_ , because footsteps approach and Youngjae’s high-pitched voice comes calling:

“Wang Jackson! Jackson-hyung! Wang Jackson-hyung! Mister Jackson Wang!”

It seems to Jackson that Youngjae appears not somewhere behind the door, but right in between them, immediately pulling them to the different sides and almost as if putting a veto on Jaebum getting closer than a certain distance to Jackson. That’s actually not too bad, considering that Jaebum’s hair is much more disheveled now compared to when he just came here, and his lips are swollen, and Jackson is pretty sure he’s not looking much better himself. Even worse, probably, because to his surprise Jaebum turned out to be greedy and bitey, and Jackson finds himself thinking that no matter how many times you imagine something, you can’t ever imagine reality.

Jaebum pulls on his fringe and smiles that smile of his that Jackson is so accustomed to. If it were someone else flashing such smile after what’s just happened between them, Jackson would want to smash them against the wall. Not Jaebum, though. And not because Jackson is so helplessly gone for him, but because he knows all too well just how many impenetrable layers of emotions this smile hides.

Youngjae shows up outside and in his simple-hearted manner exclaims, “Oh, I didn’t realize Jaebumie-hyung went out, too, when did you even have time to,” and Jaebum just shrugs, as if saying, how do I know, when exactly. Youngjae spins his head searching for Jackson, and Jackson jumps out at him, yelling “surprise!” If Jaebum can manage to regain his usual laid-back and calm presence so easily, then Jackson can also manage to be as loud as three people are, as per usual.

Maybe Jackson can even be loud enough to shut out the turmoil inside his head — especially if he doesn’t look at how Jaebum’s tank top tightens around his back muscles when Jaebum bends down to sit back at the table.

///

Their common room is blissfully empty, and Jaebum heads to the fridge at the kitchen, anticipating a nice and calm evening in front of the TV. There’s nobody here to argue with him over what to watch, or to engage him in a conversation. As far as he knows, Mark, Youngjae, and BamBam went out to Hangang to walk Coco, so that must take an hour, or even two. Jaebum’s not sure about the rest of the group, but it’s none of his concern, really. He is much more concerned about the leftovers of yesterday’s chicken and a can of soda, who accompany him while he makes himself comfortable on the couch in front of the TV.

Finally, he can sit as he pleases and not with a completely straight back. Jaebum finds this very satisfying, not less than the common room being empty. This, and also that now he isn’t going to make anyone worry. During last few months he was getting far more attention than he’d like — from everyone, but especially from Jackson. Jaebum knows that back problems hit the sore spot on Jackson after his mother has undergone similar difficulties, but knowing this hasn’t made it easier for Jaebum to bear. It just hasn’t been good for him at all because Jackson’s overprotection and excessive care only fueled Jaebum’s hopeless attraction towards him.

A long time ago, when Jaebum had only just discovered these feelings, he was being very careless in showing them. He later scolded himself countlessly for this. Because soon an example of what may happen if someone’s not discreet about such emotions appeared right in front of Jaebum’s eyes. He realized that when one is blunt about their feelings, there’s a high risk of them getting returned. And if that ever happens to Jaebum, it is going to make everything so much more complicated. The relationship within the group is not something Jaebum can allow himself. He won’t force apart those two who became such an alarming example for him, though, even when he thinks their relationship is going to screw the dynamics within the group, which is frankly not desirable. But, unlike them, he’s the leader, and the leader shouldn’t be biased in any way, at least not out in the open. His own thoughts and emotions are his own to deal with since nobody will know about them anyway. Jaebum can’t help his feelings towards Jackson, but he can keep them to himself without anybody else knowing.

That’s what he decides back then, and he only solidifies his intent when Jackson becomes his roommate. Of course, it’s not easy. Sometimes Jaebum lies in the darkness staring at the bed above him and listens to Jackson’s breath. That’s when images appear inside Jaebum’s head. What would it be like to go to sleep together and wake up beside him? Usually Jaebum doesn’t let these thoughts get too far because such “what if”s are a pointless weakness. He has to deal with what he actually has without getting lost in fantasies. It might not be easy, but it’s not any more difficult than other people have it. And because everybody is somehow getting through with their lives, he must do so as well. Simple as that.

The main difficulty occurs when Jaebum tries to keep his judgement rational when dealing with anything regarding Jackson, all while having so many irrational feelings inside. And Jaebum constantly fears that he might not cut off Jackson's blabbering in time because he is captivated by the way Jackson’s eyes sparkle, or that he might decide the group needs a break because he worries about Jackson and his health too much, when in reality everybody including Jackson has enough energy to continue training.

And when Jaebum follows Jackson outside that night, is it because he, as the leader, rationally wants to know where their member’s gone off, or is it something more personal? Maybe if they just went back inside together, the answer to this question wouldn’t even matter, but—

Jaebum remembers Jackson’s face right in front of him. Jackson’s gaze piercing straight through him, reaching the corners of his soul. Jackson’s hands on him, making him tremble even more than usual.

Jaebum feels his heart in his throat and cuts off the images. He slipped. He slipped, and now it’s twice as hard not to think about how he wishes he didn’t have all the responsibilities weighting down on him. How he wishes he didn’t care about any damn thing so that he could just kiss Jackson again and never stop.

Jaebum smashes his fist against the couch and appreciates being alone once more. But, boy, how very angry he’s been at himself these past few days. He obviously mustn’t have done it; he can’t ever let himself get carried away so far.

There’s a dull pain inside Jaebum’s chest, the one he is so accustomed to he almost doesn’t notice it at all. He only massages the spot with his fingers absentmindedly as it slowly sinks in that he’s not paying attention to the TV. Hell, a program he doesn’t even want to watch is on. So Jaebum inhales deeply, trying to get himself to calm down, changes the channel and takes a bite of chicken. This is just another challenging period, he tells himself, he can get through it like he’s already done with many before. And after a while Jaebum manages to distract himself with what’s on the screen, which thankfully doesn’t remind him of anything happening in his own life.

Jaebum realizes he must have fallen asleep right there on the couch, because when he opens his eyes, the room is shrouded with darkness illuminated only by the glaring light from the TV, which has some other program on already. Half-naked Jackson hovers over Jaebum, squinting his eyes sleepily; he must be the reason why Jaebum woke up. Jaebum tries to figure out what time it is since someone has turned the light off, and the whole dorm seems to be asleep.

“I just got surprised you never came to the room,” Jackson mumbles and slouches down on the couch beside him.

Jaebum yawns and smiles in a friendly and apologizing way, as if saying, yeah, I got asleep, ‘happens, thanks for waking me up. He doesn’t get why Jackson is getting comfortable on the couch and is about to get up, but Jackson holds him in place. Jaebum immediately gets very uncomfortable. Now he wants to not just go to sleep, but to get away from Jackson. Instead, Jaebum just sits there, going numb from the sight of Jackson slowly clenching and unclenching his fist without looking at Jaebum. Then, having apparently made up his mind, he lifts his gaze, once again piercing right through Jaebum, and says quietly but clearly:

“It wasn’t just alcohol. It was alcohol, too, but… That’s not what it was about.”

Jaebum instantly feels like he’s drowning. Jackson’s eyes are daring, trying to cover up his anxiety, but Jaebum knows him too well. He also knows that Jackson is saying this because he always has to make sure his intentions are understood correctly, even if it can lead to unpredicted consequences. Why do you have to be like this, Jaebum thinks hopelessly. And why, why did you have to fall for me, too.

Jaebum is completely at a loss for what to do.

Because when Jackson bares his heart in front of him like this, Jaebum just doesn’t have it in him to break it.

Jackson sighs in relief when their lips meet, and Jaebum feels that knot of pain inside his chest grow larger, threatening to rip it open. Jaebum grabs Jackson’s head with both hands and tilts it a little to get better access. It seems that he unwillingly pours all of his pain and despair into the kiss because Jackson gasps a little from especially strong bite. Jaebum comes to his senses and gently slides his tongue against Jackson’s lips to soothe the pain. He shivers when Jackson puts his hand on his thigh and breaks the kiss trying to catch his breath and recollect his thoughts. Instead, he notices that Jackson is hard, and this only clouds his judgement.

Not even two seconds pass before Jackson is kissing him again, and Jaebum’s thoughts slip away from him once more, as the pleasure from what they’re doing resonates through him.

Jaebum gently squeezes Jackson’s cock through the fabric of his boxers, and Jackson immediately pulls away and sucks his breath noisily. Jaebum reflexively places a finger against Jackson’s lips to shush him, but he almost breaks the silence himself when Jackson suddenly runs his tongue along his finger. Jackson then grabs Jaebum’s palm with both hands and slowly licks and sucks on his fingers. Jaebum bites his lips to shut up himself, as he is mesmerized by the sight all while wishing he didn’t see it. This is something he can’t just easily forget. And it’s so easy to imagine Jackson’s lips on him instead and— oh, no, he shouldn’t let his mind get there.

Jackson lifts his gaze to meet Jaebum’s once again, and his eyes are filled with expectation and desire. Keeping silent and without giving away just how much this look affects him, Jaebum moves a bit closer and slides his hand into Jackson’s boxers. Jackson sighs, much quieter this time, and tilts his head forward, resting his forehead against Jaebum’s. After just a few strokes Jackson’s breath already starts hitching, and Jaebum listens attentively to every sound he makes all while getting irritated by the noise coming from the TV. But turning it off will blow their only cover. Instead, Jaebum puts his hand on Jackson’s nape and moves his head, aligning their cheeks together, so that Jackson is now breathing straight into Jaebum’s ear.

And it would’ve been so nice, to just sit like this embracing each other, with Jackson’s hands a calming weight on Jaebum’s shoulders, and small waves of heat going through all of Jaebum’s body from every little breath against his ear. It would’ve been so nice if Jaebum hadn’t been thinking at the same time. But he does, he contemplates how he doesn’t want to lie to anybody neither now nor later. How no matter how this goes, someone will get hurt. How of all the things he doesn’t want to hurt Jackson the most, but is there really a way not to do it now?

Jaebum realizes he must have unknowingly tightened his grip when Jackson moans quietly beside his ear, while Jaebum nuzzles his nose against Jackson’s cheek in attempt to get even closer. Jackson mumbles something incoherent, and Jaebum quickens his pace. No matter how much he wants to savor this moment, it can’t go on forever. Jackson squeezes his shoulders when he comes, and Jaebum is hit with a sorrow thought that he won’t ever get to do this again now that this is over.

Jackson smiles and snuggles against Jaebum with his nose, but Jaebum is preoccupied with a growing dread of what he’s just done. And when Jackson starts kissing his neck, Jaebum doesn’t even have time to think about anything before he instinctively jerks back away from him. They both freeze in shock and Jackson slowly straightens his back to meet Jaebum’s eyes. But Jaebum doesn’t know what to tell him. He didn’t plan for this to happen. Now that he sees the hurt and confusion in Jackson’s eyes it dawns on him just how grave of a mistake this was. Jaebum is overwhelmed by guilt and bitterness, and he covers his face with his hand. He shouldn’t have caved in to his desires to begin with.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

It seems to him that Jackson lets out an almost indistinct huff of disappointment, and Jaebum dares to look at him again. There’s no hurt in Jackson’s eyes anymore, and his expression is calm and expectant. Jaebum sighs heavily, gathering his thoughts.

“Jackson, I really like you a lot. But I— As the leader I’m not supposed to. I mustn’t let myself do it.”

Jackson stays silent for a while, but then simply says:

“Got it.”

He gets up and after contemplating a bit adds without looking at Jaebum:

“Don’t stay up too late here, hyung.”

Jaebum watches as though in a trance as Jackson slowly disappears in shadows, and after he regains a bit of sense, the first thing he does is presses the button on the remote control to finally turn off the annoying TV. The room succumbs to darkness, only slightly diluted by dim light of street lamps, and maybe this wasn’t the smartest move since Jaebum still needs to clean up the mess, but it’s nothing compared to the mess he made of his relationship with Jackson.

Jaebum looks at the shape of his hands. He’s held Jackson in them twice already, and he is painfully aware that this is two times more than he must have allowed himself to, but he also knows that he’ll continue to want to do it again.

He’s also very sure he won’t be able do it after this night.

///

Jaebum drops his passport on the way from the gate to immigration, then drops his phone while picking up his passport. Bambam kindly reminds him of his bag where he can conveniently store his belongings. Jaebum shots him an “I’m gonna kill you” look and then cracks up laughing, lighting up all booths around them. Jackson thinks that it’s always so easy and entertaining for him to do impressions of ahgase because just like them, he is torn into tiny pieces by any smallest thing triggering too much emotions inside him. Maybe even more than them, because Jackson is emotional to begin with, so any important emotion is always particularly strong; and also because he knows Jaebum so much better than ahgase. It is completely impossible to love Jaebum less while knowing him better.

Never mind all that, actually he can’t begin to love Jaebum less even after he quite straight-forwardly told Jackson “no”. And that’s not because Jackson has rose-colored glasses on or because he hears only what he wants to, like only the first part of “I like you, but we shouldn’t do it”. The thing is, if Jaebum didn’t burden himself with so much sense of duty and responsibility, didn’t put so much importance on his obligations as the leader and didn’t possibly have some other indisputably right and effective feelings, he would be a completely different person. And maybe Jackson wouldn’t love that other person at all — even if they were just as beautiful. That being said, Jackson still wants Jaebum to at least sometimes — maybe even just this once — give himself the permission to give priority not to all those right and effective feelings, but to his own simple “like”s and “want to”s.

And oh, if anybody knew just how hard it is for Jackson to tough it out and not to try nudging Jaebum in that direction. Jackson starts to better appreciate his crazy filming schedule at China that somehow mysteriously fits into their concert tour. (Yugyeom usually says, “Hyung, I want a Time-Turner, too, please share,” when Jackson goes to the airport for the umpteenth time, and gives him his favorite chocolate milk as a charm). Less time in the dorm means less time alone with Jaebum. Less time when they hide their feelings and make uncomfortable small talks, because talking is not what both of them want. Jackson knows for sure that it’s the both of them. He might have had some doubts before, but how can there be any doubts now when it was Jaebum who kissed him first both times.

It’s good thing that they live separately at least overseas. Jaebum disappears into his shared with the manager room as Jackson starts a familiar squabble with Bambam about their room being illuminated having its merits, so Bambam shouldn’t turn off the lights right after Jackson turned them on. Bambam mutters some naughty thing in Thai then switches to English and threatens to sing in the shower at the top of his lungs and even to turn off the water while he’s putting on shampoo to make himself being heard even better. Jackson shots a pillow at him and Bambam immediately picks it up and yells that now he has two pillows while hyung has none, so who is the loser now.

Maybe Jaebum is right and it isn’t worth it. Maybe it’s better to let things slide and bear through instead of putting everything at risk. Maybe. But it’s just that it’s hard for Jackson to forget how Jaebum hotly breathes each time and how he hungrily bites him, as if hoping that if he pours everything in one kiss, then the feeling will go away. Isn’t that dumb, Jackson thinks at breakfast in the morning, watching as Jaebum smoothly flows between tables filled with various food. Haven’t you understood yet that it won’t go away. Why do you even hope for this when both of us think “I like you” first, and everything else comes only second.

“Soo hooot,” Yugyeom drawls at the street and adjusts his T-shirt before getting on the bus. Jinyoung immediately offers in his kindest tone to take it off whatsoever — that way their recognition will skyrocket after Yugyeom appears topless at the press-conference. Yugyeom only rolls his eyes in response since there isn’t much to say about the joke repeated numerous times apart from tired and unenergetic “Hyuuung, just buzz off, will you?” And who knows how Jinyoung may react to that — he might grab Yugyeom’s neck or try and take off his shirt for real. And maybe deep down Yugyeom doesn’t even want him to buzz off that much.

Jaebum subtly indicates that the joke is indeed drawn out. Jinyoung just shrugs in response — it is what it is, and by the way, why did they even think it was a joke, maybe he was being deadly serious. Jackson incidentally drops yet another “chic and sexy” on his way to a vacant seat next to Jinyoung — everybody knows for sure that he’s joking, so he might as well. When it’s with Jinyoung, he can immediately grab him by shoulders, blow into his ear and whine when he doesn’t repeat Jackson’s “Wang gae Park gae.” He can do all that instead of watching how Jaebum lightly dishevels Yugyeom’s pink hair.

It’s good to be Yugyeom — even when you are way above the average height, you are still considered little, and the leader touches you and hugs you for no big reason.

On a second thought, right from the beginning Jackson’s had problems with perceiving leader’s firm care as something casual and mundane, having nothing to do with Jackson personally, but rather being one of those right and effective feelings that make Im Jaebum a little more Im Jaebumish than Jackson finds necessary. And it is especially a problem for Jackson not to think his usual thoughts now when they are all getting down from their wild V-live’s high, and Jaebum comes to Jackson with a bottle of water and asks in a little concerned tone:

“You okay? Slept well today?”

Jackson looks him in the eyes and really wants to know how much of the leader’s worry about his never-ending flights is there, and how much of Jaebum’s personal pain about the two of them. Jackson can’t tell that easily. And maybe the exact proportion of these feelings doesn’t even matter. What matters is that they are mixed for sure, there’s no denying.

“Have never been better,” Jackson thumbs up. “Especially now that chic and sexy leader-hyung himself has brought me some water.”

Jackson has already shouted “I love you” to him for the whole V-live’s audience to hear, he’s got nothing to lose. Jaebum chuckles and bumps his fist against Jackson’s shoulder, his fingertips lingering on the bare skin as if accidentally; too long for Jackson not to notice anything. Thank goodness they have Bambam, who immediately informs them that no matter how many times Jackson repeats “chic and sexy” that isn’t going to help Jaebum’s wardrobe. “Saidaaaaaaa,” comes ringing from the corner where Youngjae’s legs can be seen while Jaebum slowly turns to Bambam with a legitimate question of why does he ask for trouble for the second day in a row.

“I think he’s been at it since debut,” Mark muses.

God damn it, is it really impossible to have all this while also having the right to kiss and touch naked Jaebum when no one sees. Jackson shakes his head, trying to get rid of yet another image, but it already had been hard to turn off his imagination before, now that he has something real to base it on, it’s near impossible.

Rehearsal seems to help a little, and Jackson is so tired after it that he immediately dozes off in the bus. So Bambam isn’t too persistent when Jackson refuses to keep him company to go grab dinner. “You two are at it again, leaving me out,” Jinyoung immediately grumbles. Yet when Bambam jumps at him with a hug, claiming “No, not only the two of us, I’m inviting everyone!” Jinyoung winces, saying that he didn’t ask for _this_. Of course, he wasn’t intending to go anywhere, because with him being a natural bore he doesn’t find it wise to go out on the night before the concert.

“Meddling just for the sake of it,” Jaebum smiles as the three of them call the elevator. There was no doubt Jaebum would also pass, preferring sleep over anything else. Jinyoung simply shrugs in response, but it seems to Jackson that it’s his way of agreeing. Jinyoung generally doesn’t argue with Jaebum.

Jackson doesn’t see any dreams — like most of the times — which is probably for the best.

The concert next day brings, as always, a huge surge of adrenalin and a crazy mix of emotions. They are most welcome now because thanks to them Jackson can’t become too preoccupied with the moments when happy and shining Jaebum grabs his hands or when they both bounce foolishly in dresses. Concerts are always freer. Jaebum is way too serious right before them to not to let go of himself during the performance. Camera shows his widest smile on the screen, and Jackson wishes so badly for Jaebum to say his “I like you” while smiling like that instead of trying to look away.

At the very end Jaebum pours a bottle of water over himself, and it’s very hard for Jackson to firmly tell himself, no, Jackson Wang, you can’t maul him right behind the stage and take off his wet T-shirt to kiss away the droplets from his neck all the way down the happy trail.

But what if he does it not right behind the stage.

What if there’s still something left to say for them to each other since Jaebum allows himself to slide his hands along Jackson’s shoulders at least during the concert.

And maybe if Jackson didn’t see that the manager-hyung who shares the room with Jaebum was among those stuff members who stayed behind at the venue for some business, Jackson would hold it off. After all, they have their own fair shared room in the dorm, and they always end up having something happen outside of it while leaving only unspoken words inside. Jackson would hold it off, and then the concert afterglow would wear off, and his decisiveness would fade away.

It seems that Jaebum isn’t even surprised to see Jackson outside of his room. Maybe it’s logical since it turned out before that both of them had similar thoughts at the same time. So this time as well it can’t be that only Jackson has all these currently unexpressed feelings. He hears Jaebum say, “Well, come inside,” in the same manner as if Jaebum were about to listen to Jackson as part of his leader’s duty. But Jaebum’s perceptive eyes, even though they are almost invisible under his messy fridge, clearly tell that he perfectly understands. He very well knows that Jackson didn’t come to him as a member seeking out his leader’s advice, but simply as a guy named Jackson Wang to personally see someone named Im Jaebum.

Jackson comes to the center of the room and sits on an uncomfortable soft stool as Jaebum closes the door from the inside and goes back to sit on his bed. They should probably hurry before the manager returns, but it doesn’t play out: Jaebum is so calm and routinely lazy that he seems to slow down everything around him, including Jackson.

“You said then,” Jackson begins, and Jaebum immediately jerks up his head, “you said that you shouldn’t let yourself do it as the leader.”

“And I’ll say it again,” Jaebum slightly curls his lips, and that’s a very sad smile, much unlike the one that appeared on the concert screen. Jackson stubbornly shakes his head:

“Well, don’t allow it to yourself as the leader. Allow it to just you.”

“Mm?” Jaebum tilts his head a little to the side, and Jackson sees an earring glimmering in his ear covered by soft hair. It’s beautiful, just like Jaebum is.

“Just don’t think as a leader, don’t think of yourself as of a leader, of what you should and have to do,” Jackson thinks he’s completely messing up his Korean, but as long as he can get his point across, he doesn’t care. “Think simply as Im Jaebum… Jaebum-hyung. And tell me what you think then. Can you please allow yourself to do that?”

Jaebum doesn’t interrupt him and doesn’t ask to go away, he doesn’t even avert his eyes, so Jackson feels that maybe it all isn’t in vain. Maybe it was actually right for him to try and seize what little chance they may have.

“Truth is, you are suffering from restraining yourself, aren’t you,” Jackson finally says the most important thing. “I wouldn’t be so stubborn, honestly, I wouldn’t, if it was just about me, but even I can see. That this doesn’t go away from both me and you.”

It’s so easy to apprehend the look on Jaebum’s face right now because Jackson knows perfectly well that he himself watches Jaebum in the same way every day. He’s never seen the look on his own face when he’s looking at Jaebum, but he still recognizes it right away.

“Jackson,” Jaebum murmurs at last, “I do really like you so much.”

And Jackson waits for a couple of endless seconds, but Jaebum doesn’t continue this time. Just — “like you” — and nothing else.

When Jackson finally kisses him again, Jaebum doesn’t even try to anxiously kiss back as if he’s doing it for the last time, unlike before. He’s just as hungry as before and bites as well — God, Jackson loves it so much when he bites — but now it’s all much less rushed, as if they don’t face the danger of the manager coming back knocking on the door any time now. Jackson abides and just as slowly finally kisses Jaebum behind his ear and probes his earlobe with his tongue. Jaebum quietly moans in response, stirring up emotions inside Jackson, and runs his fingers over hair on Jackson’s nape. Jackson moves down to his neck, propping his hand on Jaebum’s thigh, and feels himself growing hard.

Which isn’t important now.

Jaebum visibly tenses when Jackson caresses his abs and Jackson immediately panics that this will end in the same way as the previous time. He goes back and strokes Jaebum’s neck, resting his forehead against Jaebum’s temple, and just waits, wishing badly that Jaebum allows this after all, lets go, agrees and accepts. Seconds of waiting last an eternity, but at the end of it Jaebum grabs Jackson’s wrist and guides his hand right towards the hem of his sweatpants. At first Jackson is at a loss for how to react to this desired, but nevertheless sudden prompt, so he just runs the tips of his fingers over the waistband. But then Jaebum looks at him with eyes completely filled with desire and Jackson slides his hand in.

He simply fondles Jaebum’s hard cock through his briefs at first, but even then Jaebum immediately reacts with a low moan. Jackson watches as he nervously bites his lip and he wants to make him feel so good so much.

Jackson pulls out his hand and quickly falls down to his knees, ending up between Jaebum’s thighs. He tugs off Jaebum’s sweatpants along with the briefs and slowly strokes his cock from the base to the head a couple of times, giving it a little squeeze. Jaebum quietly breathes out something incoherent, and after Jackson finally takes him in his mouth and starts steadily quicken the pace, he isn’t able to do even that. Jaebum throws his head back and only moans abruptly when Jackson tightly presses his lips on his length. Jaebum is apparently feeling so good, and it’s so evident that nothing else exists for him apart from his own pleasure, that Jackson is once again struck with the pain from his own arousal, but he’ll really deal with it later somehow.

Jaebum thrusts into Jackson’s mouth and comes, and Jackson can’t help but wonder if they will ever come somewhat together. But, honestly, right now it’s really enough that Jaebum let go of himself and didn’t shut his “I like you” by some new “but”. Jackson rises on his palms and is immediately pulled into a kiss, and then another, and then Jaebum just hugs him by the neck, nuzzling Jackson’s cheek with his nose, and keeps repeating:

“Jackson, oh, Jackson…”

“We even live together already,” Jackson mumbles with a little hoarse voice in response. “Really, nobody will notice.”

Jaebum moves away and extremely gently touches a lock of Jackson’s hair.

“It’s actually very obvious,” Jaebum says evenly. “Whatever you do, it’s obvious. You must have noticed, too.”

They both know what he’s talking about, and of course Jackson understands that even if Jaebum agreed this one time to allow himself not to think as the leader, but to grant simple wishes of an ordinary guy named Im Jaebum, it doesn’t mean that he’s fully agreed to do this for all the times to come. But that’s not what’s important. The important thing is that they both allow at least small chance for that to happen.

///

Truth be told, no matter how many times they all say that all the foreigners in their group have long became Korean, Jaebum is sure that won’t ever be the case with Jackson. Him and Jackson, they will always set their priorities differently, and no matter how many times Jaebum explains his reasons, he knows that deep down Jackson still won’t agree. Jaebum doesn’t think of it as of a bad thing. Everybody is free to live according to their own rules, and usually this doesn’t raise any problems.

But not now.

Now when Jackson persists that Jaebum should think less about his duties, the dispute is not that simple to resolve because this time it concerns both of them. It’s true that Jaebum also doesn’t believe these feelings will eventually go away, but does that really mean that there’s no other way but to succumb to them?

He continues to meticulously think this over, but everything somehow feels different in the United States.

It’s their first time spending a whole two weeks on the other side of the world, and people mostly don’t recognize them at streets, and the concerts have a totally different vibe. It seems that they ended up in a parallel universe where they indeed are allowed not to resist their desires. Jaebum starts to find himself thinking that he wants to prolong the moments of familiar hugs from Jackson more and more each time and maybe even hold onto Jackson to make him stay by his side. Without the usual alarming voice in his head telling him he mustn’t do that.

It seems to him that Jackson also feels this, and their joint hopes for a happy ending intertwine and grow stronger and stronger together. It also seems that they are not the only ones who feel this way, but somehow now it doesn’t worry him at all, instead, it makes his heart flutter triumphantly.

So when Jaebum wakes up on their flight back to Korea and sees Jinyoung and Yugyeom sleeping on top of each other, he thinks that maybe he, too, is allowed to just surrender to emotions.

Because of his crazy schedule Jackson took off a day before them all, and Jaebum wants to see him again so badly he doesn’t even stop his imagination while he dozes off.

Maybe he really is almost ready.

Jaebum doesn’t believe in coincidences, but there is bitter irony in the fact that their scandal breaks out right at this moment. It’s a painful reminder that their travel to a different reality is over, and they mustn’t lose their guard not even for a second.

He stays silent all the time while Bambam and Jackson argue with the management demanding the right to speak out and explain themselves, and he does nothing to cool down Jinyoung’s outrage that he lets out later in the van on the way back to the dorm. He only thinks it was a matter of time before something like this happened.

Rationally speaking, they actually got off somewhat easy, but this thought won’t do any good to anyone right now.

Youngjae keeps quietly repeating to Mark that it’s not his fault, and Jackson silently holds Bambam’s hand while he’s talking to his family. Jaebum knows all of this too well — the storm of negative comments coming from the outside, the wish to explain oneself, the feeling of being powerless, and the pain of the loved ones which you also blame yourself for. Jaebum wouldn’t wish for it to happen to anyone, and that’s why it’s particularly hard to watch it happen to the people dear to him.

Old memories still echo with a numb pain inside, and Jaebum catches Jinyoung’s worried gaze trained on him. It is obvious that Jinyoung is torn between him and Yugyeom, so Jaebum indicates with his eyes, “He needs it more now,” and turns to face the window.

No matter how much all of this breaks his own heart, he has to become the leader for them like never before. They still need to keep to the prearranged schedule starting tomorrow, so he has to say something to both raise their spirits and mentally prepare them for it. Jaebum tries not to focus on how Bambam’s voice trembles and watches passing shop signs and trees outside the window, struggling to collect the right words inside his head.

There’s simply no place for his own inner turmoil right now.

Of course, Jackson also understands that. This sensibility is also one of the countless things he likes about him, Jaebum thinks bitterly to himself. They tiredly look at each other once they’re in their room, and Jaebum really wants to hug him tight to dissolve at least some of Jackson’s worries — and his own, too. He is especially concerned about Jackson personally because Jackson is always oversensitive to any negative outbursts from the fans.

But now Jaebum once again isn’t able to allow himself to hug Jackson. He can, however, tell him not to dig up the internet for no good reason, even though he knows that Jackson will still do it. And all these emotions will leave no room for the unresolved problem between them, at least for some time.

Jaebum, however, is sure he’ll need much more time to even get back to the point where he leaves them any chance at all. He is too burdened by all the things he’s messed up in the past to be able to calmly think about him and Jackson. Jaebum is only left with one option: to put in all his efforts toward the one thing that he hasn’t messed up yet. He buries himself in work, spending all his spare time in the studio, making and editing songs for a new album.

He has to make room for joint practices for the JYP Nation, but dancing never weights on him, rather on the contrary, it helps him clear his head.

Out of GOT7 it’s only him and Yugyeom at this practice. The seniors call for a break, and just few minutes pass before Jinyoung appears in the doorframe. As Jaebum watches the other two, everything suddenly clicks, and he is hit with realization that at some point their relationship has already shifted towards its logical conclusion. Yugyeom’s whole face starts glowing, and Jinyoung looks very soft and cozy, and even though he brought refreshing lemonade for them both, Jaebum has no doubts about who Jinyoung came to visit out of the two of them. It wasn’t even Jaebum who Jinyoung asked about when exactly they were going to have a break.

All of a sudden Jaebum becomes very uncomfortable to be around them, as if he’s seen something he wasn’t supposed to. He tries to reason with himself, thinking about how Jinyoung has never really hidden his intentions, but still it’s hard for Jaebum to accommodate this new reality in his head.

He busies himself with staring at his phone screen and thinks that Jackson surely wouldn’t have this problem, on the contrary, he would make a fuss, whooping and congratulating and jokingly trying to get them to tell all the details of how they got together. Should Jaebum congratulate Jinyoung? It would be very awkward, but Jaebum also wishes that Jinyoung knows he’s actually happy for them.

He has to admit that this is not the best timing, though. They’ve just ended up causing a scandal when they didn’t even have anything to hide, and now they do, something quite serious, too…

Jaebum realizes he’s been staring at one point which isn’t his phone screen when Jinyoung questioningly raises his eyebrows. Jaebum shakes his head a little, smiles absentmindedly to nobody in particular and turns back to his phone.

Jinyoung doesn’t comment on it, and he and Yugyeom continue chattering about some trivial matters, from small details about practice to new gossip about other idols. As a matter of fact, Jaebum isn’t too keen to discuss any of that, but it makes him pause to think about when was the last time he actually spoke to his members in such carefree manner. His memory ends abruptly on the time in the United States, when everything was almost perfect, and everything afterwards feels as if it’s clouded by some kind of fog. Jaebum is shocked by how much concealed pain echoes within him from this contrast.

He tries to adjust his behavior, increasing the time he spends at the dorm and carefully observing everyone again. Compared to the last week, everybody seems to have returned to their normal state. Jaebum hopes for it to be true and concludes that if nobody sought him out to speak, then they all sorted out everything on their own or with help from someone else.

Day by day the time until the JYP Nation passes, and right before the concert Jinyoung decides that it’s a great occasion to have their first group V-live in a month. Jaebum agrees to it, but also can’t help but worry about its possible consequences because during their spontaneous V-lives everybody is much more careless than usual.

They kick off with just the two of them, but as Yugyeom appears nearby, Jinyoung predictably focuses all his attention on him, which does nothing to calm Jaebum’s nerves. He tries to somehow bring the situation under control, but then Jackson makes his way to stand beside him, and now it’s Jaebum who loses his wits. He realizes with dread that a dangerously warm smile has crept onto his face and immediately covers it with his hands, trying to once again concentrate on the conversation that he inevitably lost track of. Jaebum starts to fear that now that he’s completely lost control over what is going on, just about anything can happen.

And it indeed does when Yugyeom makes a slip of the tongue and accidentally calls Jaebum by his first name without honorifics. It isn’t the worst thing that could have happened, but predictably Jackson also eagerly volunteers to call him like that. And this leads Jaebum to not so cheery thoughts, reminding him of what he desperately wants, but can never have in his position.

When they are finally off air, Jaebum lets out a small sigh and leans against a free dressing table. All this excessive emotional stress drains his physical strength, too. Jaebum tries not to think about all the evidence they left in plain sight for people to see and interpret, about all the hate they are going to face if people were to find out…

“Jaebumie,” Jinyoung takes him by the left hand and immediately cracks into smile from the dumbfounded look on Jaebum’s face. He certainly didn’t see it coming from Jinyoung. “What, everybody gets to try it, but me? And I know you the longest out of them, hyung.”

Jaebum snorts:

“And you don’t even know who I like in One Piece.”

“There’re too many of them there,” Jinyoung nonchalantly throws his free hand in the air. “And you talk too seldom about it. And about yourself in general.”

His switch to a serious tone is so abrupt that Jaebum doesn’t even have time to stop him before he continues:

“And you should talk, hyung, you know. Don’t try to overcome everything on your own. You’ve listened to me, so can I. Don’t you forget that.”

Jinyoung shows him their JJ-cross, as if trying to make it out to be just a joke, but it actually means a lot — especially from Jinyoung, whom their first quite failed debut had been stinging for a long time. And maybe this really is about Jinyoung always being by his side.

“As if I could ever forget you,” Jaebum smiles and even makes the JJ-cross back at Jinyoung.

Yugyeom jumps at Jaebum from the other side and cheerfully asks if he should call hyung by his first name once more to distract him from gloomy thoughts. Jaebum snickers skeptically and shakes his head, letting Yugyeom hug him instead.

And, gosh, Jaebum is truthfully happy that the both of them are happy in the end, and it’s stupid to try to deny that he wants the same thing for him and Jackson. But he can’t help fearing that anything careless can burst this rainbowy bubble the seven of them are living in right now.

Maybe Yugyeom has the thing that Jaebum is lacking at the moment: the firm belief that everything is going to be fine, even after he’s just been hurt not so long ago. Jaebum is actually envious of this character strength of his.

If only Jaebum didn’t also think about how good it would be if Jackson could also hold him like this and tell him that everything is going to be fine. Jaebum incautiously looks at the mirror and catches Jackson’s worried gaze trained on him. It hurts, but also grounds him. Jaebum moves away from Yugyeom and manages a thin smile. This hug lasted for too long already, it’s time he got a hold of himself.

They end their concert without any particular incidents, and contrary to Jaebum’s concerns, there were no exposing comments after their V-live. Jinyoung, however, apparently doesn’t think their conversation to be over and drags him out to have a dinner for the first time in a long while. They huddle in the corner of an eatery that’s anyway almost empty because of the late time, and Jinyoung doesn’t beat about the bush, immediately bluntly asking:

“What are you so afraid of, hyung?”

Jaebum is sure Jinyoung knows the answer, and his question is rather him saying, “You’ve got nothing to be afraid of.” Jaebum watches Jinyoung scrupulously mount morsels of various side dishes onto a perilla leaf and tries to find the best way to word his response. This is Jinyoung’s own opinion, and the two of them have an unspoken agreement that their opinions differ on many occasions. That’s why Jinyoung wouldn’t explicitly state it — especially since it concerns not the group, but Jaebum personally — unless he deemed it absolutely necessary.

“What’s so important about it?”

Jinyoung looks at him with some mix of empathy, judgement and decisiveness.

“Because I see how much it burdens you, hyung.”

“Well, it’s my life and my problem,” Jaebum shrugs. Jinyoung shakes his head.

“As your friend I shall be the light of truth during your dark times.” Jaebum snorts at familiar sarcasm, while Jinyoung continues, “And since I happened to be that idiot who almost screwed up what was good for me, why don’t you be smarter and not repeat my mistakes.”

Jaebum doesn’t know what to answer to this. That was something different, and their position is not the same, and—

“You told me something helpful that time, so I want to repay you the favor.”

Jaebum just nods, showing he’s ready to listen. Jinyoung fills his lungs with air and spreads his hands for more impact.

“Nobody notices anything, hyung! You can see what’s happening to us because you know us very well and perceive the small changes every day—”

“Do I have to remind you what happened because of what people who only see us once a year videotaped?”

Jinyoung huffs angrily.

“So how exactly do you think people are going to know? From the smile on your face? There could be plenty of reasons why—”

Jaebum shakes his head. It’s not anything in particular, but all the puzzle pieces of subtle details coming together to form a big picture. However, Jinyoung is apparently convinced these are exactly not something that can become an undeniable evidence once caught on camera.

“—and I keep telling Yugyeom that his attempts to control his face will only raise more questions: it’s exactly when you control something that it means you’ve got something to hide—”

“I just generally control myself much more,” Jaebum points out, and Jinyoung laughs:

“That’s true.”

Jaebum takes his time wrapping his food in a perilla leaf under his gaze, when Jinyoung adds gently:

“But really, control yourself less, hyung.”

Jaebum shoots him a look, and suddenly he’s very keen to know just to what extent they discussed this all with Jackson. But he won’t ask about it, of course, not in a million years.

“I’ll give it a thought,” he ends up saying the same thing to him.

Jinyoung’s words actually get stuck in Jaebum’s head. Up until now Jaebum has been thinking that his position and responsibilities exclude any possibility for being closer to Jackson, which is painful, but inevitable. But now for the first time he looks at it from a different perspective. If he doesn’t hold onto this Jackson who is ready to bare his soul in front of him, to strive for his understanding and to accept their differences, will it become yet another mistake in his life that he will always regret?

He knows the answer right after he forms this question. He knows that the part of him that doesn’t constantly remind him of what he must and mustn’t do was breaking down to pieces watching Jackson disappear into the darkness with his head down. He knows that this very part was extremely happy when Jackson still came back looking for him. And if he’s making a mistake either way, maybe he should choose the one where at least Jackson can smile happily out of the two of them?

Like he’s smiling now, overly glad that Jinyoung’s agreed to feed him pickled radish which Jackson himself can’t reach. Jackson is always beautiful to Jaebum, but when his eyes sparkle with joy, it seems like he’s emitting light from his whole body, making Jaebum’s heart race. Jinyoung laughs, and Jaebum notices how Mark tries to look judgmental when in fact his lips are slightly curled up. Youngjae, who is sitting between Jackson and Jinyoung, immediately demands kimchi from Yugyeom, who is busy discussing some new western video with Bambam. Jaebum had expected that after grueling practice of their hardest choreography since debut everyone would consume their food quietly, but apparently everybody has some kind of additional energy supply for chatter. He must admit, it helps clear the air after a chain of mistakes that were bound to happen.

And Jaebum also observes that in fact their group’s dynamics hasn’t really changed in this last month. He’s sure he’s not the only one to notice how unabashedly endearingly Yugyeom is watching Jinyoung when he laughs, or how Jinyoung puts Yugyeom’s favorite Spam on his rice immediately after. But nobody seems to be concerned by it, not in the slightest. Maybe it’s because everyone had been long accustomed to their behavior with each other and was ready for this turn of events, or maybe it’s true that what happens when nobody is there to see it only affects the number of happy smiles in front of everyone. Thinking rationally, this also should count in favor of Jaebum being with Jackson. But when Jaebum tries to imagine himself taking the next step, he’s immediately overcome with that same inexplicable anxiety.

It is mixed with a whole heap of other emotions — anticipation as well as nervous tingling from imminent encore concerts. Jaebum is very worked up because, unlike the others, it’s his first concerts in Korea. But, much like the others, it seems to him that a big and important period of their lives is coming to an end. Even though the tour lasted only a couple of months, it may as well be said that they’ve been working for this since debut; and now they’ll have to turn the page and head for new, unknown heights. Aside from that, it also seems to Jaebum personally like it’s the final point for him and Jackson, given that everything between them has been happening in the midst of this tour. And he can’t get rid of the thought that if he continues to do nothing, there simply won’t be any next page for them.

The concerts predictably push all of these emotions to the maximum, stirring them to the extent where Jaebum stops distinguishing them at all. He is laughing and crying, giving his all and zoning out, getting stressed and having fun; he is overwhelmed by proudness, thankfulness and love; he is feeling such tremendous support that his heart aches. They must absolutely not fail this trust. But right now their fans continuously give them love and wait for them; the group is already in the middle of preparing their next album; — everybody just keeps on going forward at full speed, and it’s only him and Jackson who seem to have hesitantly frozen at one spot amidst all of this movement. And when Jaebum, overcome by his inner emotional turmoil, finds a small figure on the other end of the stage, he is hit with a sharp realization that the choice must be made today.

[ ](https://funkyimg.com/view/37Ek6)

Jaebum knows that his fears and sense of failed responsibility hasn’t gone anywhere, and he continues to mull over this, sitting on his bed before going to sleep, while Jackson washes up in the bathroom. But Jaebum’s had a whole two months to think this through, and now the time’s up. He can’t help the feeling that if today they go to sleep as usual, his chance will be lost forever.

He is a little surprised when he comes to realize that his fear of losing Jackson actually overshadows everything else right now, but this finally gives him a definite answer.

Jaebum nervously jumps to his feet when Jackson returns to their room. He stops in uncertainty when he sees Jaebum standing, probably trying to decide what to make of this unfamiliar to him expression on Jaebum’s face. Jaebum isn’t entirely sure how he looks himself.

“Hyung?”

Jackson takes a step forward, and he’s too striking again, even though he’s not smiling now, but frowning in a concerned way. Words get caught in Jaebum’s throat. He panics and looks down, scolding himself. Why was it so easy to tell Jackson how he felt about him when he was trying to push him away, and now he can’t voice a simple “I don’t want to lose you”? Jaebum keeps repeating the phrase in his mind, but still can’t say it. He sees that Jackson shifts his way, and it looks like Jackson will just go past him to climb onto his bed. Jaebum instinctively grabs Jackson’s wrist, but immediately lets it go, biting his lip. Who said he even still has that chance?

Yet Jaebum has to know for sure, so he at least brings himself to lift his gaze to look for the answer in Jackson’s eyes. Jaebum’s heart starts fluttering when he sees Jackson watching him with that same warmth Jaebum was so afraid to never see again.

Jaebum shudders when Jackson cups his face with both hands, and all he can think of is how much he missed this. He buries his fingers in Jackson’s hair and kisses him so relentlessly that their teeth keep clattering, and he wants to be even closer, much closer, as close as he can be. Jaebum presses their bodies together and starts sucking on Jackson’s neck, getting rewarded by a soft moan escaping his lips. He feels Jackson’s hands getting under his tank top and sliding up the curve of his spine, lifting the fabric. Jaebum steps back to let him take it off, and Jackson immediately pulls him close again once they are both half-naked, making Jaebum intoxicated by the feeling of skin on skin. Then Jackson grinds his hips into Jaebum’s, and it sends waves of heat rushing through him.

He wants to make Jackson feel good so badly that he starts to get on his knees without even thinking, trailing his lips over Jackson’s bared skin, but Jackson stops him. Jaebum looks at him questioningly and Jackson takes a big breath, then stammers quietly:

“Can we… go all the way this time?”

Just the thought of it has Jaebum’s world spinning out of control. Want coils inside of him, yet his anxiety also surges at the sense of finality of it. But he’s already made his choice. So he pushes it back, trying to focus solely on the desire, and breathes “yes” against Jackson’s mouth, swallowing the moan that comes right after. Jackson holds him tight while they kiss, and Jaebum wishes to get lost in his embrace, for it to dissipate all of his doubts.

Jackson sits him on the bed and plumps down tissues and condoms next to him. Then he passes Jaebum a small bottle he’s fetched from his mess of things and immediately assures:

“It can be used like this, too, I’ve checked.”

Somehow Jaebum thinks that this implies a thorough examination of its formula and a meticulous research on the internet rather than practical use. Somebody might find it weird just how many feelings this thought raises in Jaebum, but to him, this is what Jackson is all about. This is the person Jaebum treasures so much. And this is person he is lucky to have sitting down on his lap.

Jaebum isn’t entirely sure if he’s doing it right, but he feels Jackson trying to gradually relax. Jaebum carefully watches his expression and immediately follows his quiet instructions. When he adds a second finger, Jackson puts his hand on Jaebum's nape, rests his temple against the side of his face and starts panting in his ear. Jaebum shivers and thinks he might develop a kink at this rate. He slightly nibbles the collarbone in front of him, trying to distract Jackson while he’s adding a third finger, but Jackson still hisses a little. Jaebum strokes him with his free hand, not knowing what else to do. He is about to ask when Jackson suddenly nuzzles his nose against him and starts kissing his cheekbone. It’s so simple, yet it tugs at Jaebum’s heart. And then Jackson rocks up and down on his fingers, making Jaebum let out a shuddering breath. He feels Jackson smile smugly.

Jackson pushes Jaebum back, and he lays still, watching Jackson get into a comfortable position. Jaebum puts his hands on Jackson’s thighs and clutches them as Jackson slowly sinks down on his cock. They both freeze, and Jaebum lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

He doesn’t like that Jackson is no longer beside him, but waits patiently while Jackson sways his hips a little, getting used to being full. Jaebum reaches out to stroke Jackson’s cock, and when he presses on the tip with his thumb, Jackson throws his head back, mouth open. Then Jackson looks at him again, and his eyes are so dark that Jaebum just grabs his hand and slightly pulls him forward. Jackson doesn’t resist.

Jaebum tries to hold him tight, but it turns out to be uncomfortable, so he rolls them to the side. He kisses Jackson softly, and when Jackson wraps his arms around his back, Jaebum starts carefully moving.

“Jaebumaahhh,” Jackson mewls quietly, and this feels so right and appropriate at this very moment, it seems to realign something inside of Jaebum.

“Say it again,” he breathes, but Jackson only moans in response.

Jaebum gently brushes Jackson’s fringe from his damp forehead and presses his lips against it, closing his eyes, getting lost in the sensations. He adjusts his angle just a little bit, but it seems he’s hit a sensitive spot, as Jackson curses in Chinese and shivers with his whole body. Jackson’s fingers get tangled in Jaebum’s hair, and he tugs at it, urging to quicken the pace. Jaebum burrows his head in the crook of Jackson’s neck, muffling the sounds he can no longer hold back. His heartbeat drums in his ears, mixing with Jackson’s shaky breaths, and he feels he’s getting close when Jackson comes, arching his back and clutching onto Jaebum.

Jaebum moves away, not wanting to overstimulate him. He reaches for his cock, intending to get himself off on his own, but Jackson smiles at him deviously and pinches his hard nipples. Jaebum chokes on air, while Jackson proceeds to kiss his neck, wet and slow, and Jaebum squeezes his eyes shut and comes.

When Jaebum’s breathing gets even, and he slowly comes down from his high, his anxiety kicks back in. He keeps telling himself that this was his choice, so he shouldn’t be so uncertain, but the fear of possible consequences still doesn’t let go of him.

It must have shown on his face, because Jackson gently caresses his cheek and says softly:

“You still haven’t fully let yourself be.”

Jaebum wasn’t going to say anything about it, but maybe he’s been naïve in thinking that Jackson won’t notice anything. He shakes his head and stutters:

“I can’t hurt you no more.”

To his confusion these words don’t satisfy Jackson. He looks at him wearily and sighs:

“Don’t you worry about me. Think about yourself instead. Don’t you dare sacrifice your principles for my sake.”

Jaebum tiredly rubs at his eyes. This is the dead end from which he hasn’t been able to find a way out for all this time. Jackson hugs him, pressing his nose to Jaebum’s ear and murmurs:

“I know you can.”

He’s probably talking about their time in the USA, Jaebum thinks. He opens his eyes just as Jackson moves away, and his heart skips a beat when he once again sees the emotions in Jackson’s gaze. Jaebum really wishes this were the only thing existing for him right now, without the feeling that he’s doing something wrong.

“And I’ll wait for you,” Jackson adds, and Jaebum can’t keep his face straight. Jackson’s read him like an open book. Jaebum covers his face with a hand to hide his embarrassment, and it hits him that Jackson is truly the most special person he’s ever met. This thought painfully stings because that is the precise reason why Jackson shouldn’t be treated this way. He must be accepted, treasured and loved as much as it’s possible. And Jaebum does, he just selfishly keeps all these feelings to himself without revealing them to Jackson.

Guilt sweeps over Jaebum, and when Jackson starts fumbling to get out of the bed, Jaebum mindlessly grabs at him that instant. Jackson gasps in surprise, but lets Jaebum pull him back close to him. Jaebum starts drifting off, and Jackson mumbles with a strangled voice:

“I won’t be able to sleep like this, hyung.”

And Jaebum does the least he can do right now.

“You don’t have to call me hyung.”

///

On his way to the airport Jackson hates everything: the subway, Bambam, international travel, and his own head that thought going to bed at half past one was a bright idea when he had to get up at four. He obviously naps in the express train and is intending to do the same inside the airplane, but it still would’ve been better to play “rock” when they were deciding teams, so that he would end up with a bunch going by car. He could even say he would prefer not to fly anywhere at all, but he knows better than that. It seems like that only until the moment he goes on the stage, and after he sees ahgase, he wouldn’t change his emotions from performances for anything.

He has yet to survive until he actually gets to the stage, so for now he only rubs at his sleepy eyes and thinks that Jinyoung looks sickeningly happy for such ungodly time. It’s as if he’s blown out the birthday candles just now, and not six hours ago. Bambam makes a dab celebrating his and Jackson’s safe arrival to the airport (who cares that they’re last, at least they’ve made it in time), Yugyeom joins him, as well as, quite unexpectedly, Jinwoon. Well, it’s not unexpected that he joins maknaes, but his actual being here with all of them is.

“Hyung, hyung,” Jackson comes to life, “why don’t you fly with us? Don’t wanna? Hyung, how did they get you to come here for nothing at such an early hour?”

_You don’t have to call me hyung._

No, it’s totally normal to address Jinwoon like that, it doesn’t raise any protest inside of Jackson’s rebellious Hong Kong heart. It’s not like he wanted to completely overturn the whole Korean politeness system at any point. It’s just that this simple, mundane word (that Yugyeom and Bambam probably say the most out of all words every day) is connected with quite a mess of emotions inside Jackson. A whole month has passed, and yet the phrase plays back in his head every time he addresses someone as “hyung”.

If only he could muster the courage to actually follow the permission. He only manages to do it halfheartedly.

Believe it or not, Jinwoon rejects the tempting offer to join their trip to Thailand and heads home to sleep some more in peace. Jackson and the others go through the procedures they are long sick of on autopilot. Boarding passes-security check-one more security check-coffee-queue for boarding-airplane cabin, and now he can sleep undisturbedly all the way to Bangkok. Sleep without thinking about hyungs. Hyung. Jaebum. About him and Jaebum together.

The seat beside Jackson is empty for some reason, even though Jinyoung got his boarding pass right after him, so he should have ended up there. Jackson lazily thinks that it doesn’t really matter, he’ll reach the destination anyway, but he still mindlessly spins his head trying to find where his one and only true friend in this group has gone off to. With Jinyoung Jackson didn’t have to unlock anything. With him it’s effortlessly easy and comfortable.

It’s not that Jackson truly believes that the only problem with Jaebum is the necessity to unlock the addressing without “hyung”. The obstacles obviously lie somewhere else. It would be easy and comfortable if he wanted Jaebum to be his friend, and Jaebum wanted the same. It would be just convenient if only one of them considered the other friend — not very easy, but at least very simple to make a conclusion of how to deal with it.

Jinyoung is standing in the aisle near maknae’s seats, and he keeps radiating an absolutely inappropriate for such an early hour joy. He snorts at some phrase inaudible to Jackson, not even covering his mouth with a hand. Jackson accidentally notices that even if Jinyoung wanted to do so, as per usual (and Jackson would also routinely want to hit him for doing that), he wouldn’t be able to, because his bag is in one hand, and in the other— the other is holding Yugyeom’s hand. Jackson can’t actually see who’s sitting in the aisle seat, he almost doesn’t see Jinyoung’s hand under his long sleeve, too, but really, what doubts can there even be.

And if to mull over it (though it’s too frigging early to do that as well; let’s just be honest, Jackson’s mulled over this countless times before), Jinyoung’s been emanating happiness every day for many-many days in row already. Even when they had their scandal, it was actually the same. He was nervous, worried, hurt not less than any of them, but still happy.

Sometimes it seems to Jackson that he and Jinyoung were walking close to the same borderline back in the USA, but Jinyoung made it over, and all this heap of endless happiness was bestowed upon him, and Jackson— Jackson didn’t make it. It’s probably something to get envious of, but Jackson’s not good at it. They have separate stories which are not very much alike. But just the fact that they do have them somehow leads to Jinyoung understanding him too well. Jackson doesn’t even need to tell him anything (and he wouldn’t), and yet Jinyoung just knows exactly what Jackson feels and how.

Jackson would also like to be so unabashedly happy, and especially so during that time of the scandal and hurt, to be able to share everything with Jaebum, so that Jaebum wouldn’t have to go through everything on his own. If only Jackson could just hug him then, put his head on his shoulder and whisper in his ear that Jaebum is the best leader in the whole world, and just the best in the whole world, too. To repeat that until Jaebum caves in and believes in that himself. If only Jackson could.

Jinyoung was happy even during those crappy days, and it probably helped him deal with the scandal. Jaebum inevitably cocooned himself back in all of his obligatory “must”s. He didn’t let go, didn’t work it out, didn’t allow himself full freedom for his personal decisions — separate from being the leader with his responsibilities.

“Hyung, so how much time do we have left after the rehearsal, then?”

So that is why it’s hard for Jackson, too, to fully let go and break their polite language’s barrier. Yes, Jaebum has said it’s okay not to call him hyung, true, but, well— at some point it even seemed to Jackson that he only dreamed of it. Just lost his mind out of happiness and made it up. Though it’s also true that it soon stopped seeming that way. At the end of it that night honestly wasn’t as happy as he’d wish for them to have.

But maybe Jaebum also just said it only because he was half-asleep. Maybe he wouldn’t say so some other time. Maybe Jackson just desperately wishes for Jaebum to smile when he says things like this.

Sometimes Jackson still slips and calls Jaebum just by his name, sometimes he switches back to hyung. Jaebum usually winces a bit when Jackson continues to “hyung” him, but never says anything. They both need time, and they both know it.

It would seem to others that Jackson is generally impatient: for example, judging from how he nervously shifts from foot to foot before performance, not really worrying, but rather wanting to get on the stage already and end these last moments of waiting. However, he is good at waiting when he thinks that’s worth it.

This summer he had the chance to kiss Jaebum many-many times — before it he hadn’t even dared to think that could ever happen to him. That Jaebum would want to kiss him, too, almost hadn’t crossed his mind. But still, none of those times did Jaebum sincerely allow himself to kiss Jackson, just because he wanted, without any second thoughts before, after, or in the process of doing that. At first Jackson didn’t expect anything, as it seemed there’s no use. Now he thinks that even this missing piece will come by eventually. It just needs time. The same time Jackson needs to get used to not calling anyone in their group hyung.

Because really, how can anyone call Mark hyung, it’s even weird that Yugyeom calls him that without blundering a simple plain “Makeu-aahh”. Like, Yugyeom can totally do that when he spills the whole bottle of water on Mark at the end of the song, and Mark comes running after him across the entire stage. On the other hand, water is nothing compared to how they artistically cover Jinyoung’s face with cake. At the backstage Jinyoung is also kissed in both cheeks by Bambam’s mother wearing a bright lipstick, so it’s strange to see him totally composed and with a clean fridge without any remnants of cream sitting down beside Jackson at the airport while they wait for delayed boarding for their return flight.

Yugyeom was painting innocent circles on cream at Jinyoung’s cheek, and a heart appeared on the other one, by Bambam’s efforts, not Yugyeom’s; but still Jackson caught how closely Jaebum was watching them.

 _No matter what you do, it’s obvious_ , Jackson remembers Jaebum saying in Singapore. Jackson does agree, did agree back then, and still does now, only he finds it very important to add: _to us_. To him, to Jaebum, to Mark; but who said they perceive them the same way anybody from the outside does.

When Yugyeom then accidentally yelled “Jinyoung-ah~” everybody just burst into laughter, and Youngjae joked something about how thoughtful it was of maknae to try and present Jinyoung with a youthful feeling instead of the sense of getting a year older on his birthday. Jinyoung forged a frown at it all — only for theatrically angry wrinkles on his forehead to quickly turn into humorous whiskers near his eyes.

Jackson wonders what is generally more unexpected: Yugyeom calling Jinyoung by his name or Jackson unlocking their early 94th with Jaebum? Those two have more age difference, but it’s clear that Jinyoung cares much less about this formal boundary.

Jackson browses Weibo, already filled with photos from today’s event and even photos from their passage through the airport of Bangkok. He is yet again unenthusiastic to fly back, to the extent of being ready to seek political asylum at Bambam’s mother’s, if only not for the perspective of his cheeks also being reddened by her lipstick. Jinyoung mutters a curse in his strange Korean dialect when he messes up a level of a simple game, and Jackson repeats after him in a low voice.

“What, ready to switch to satoori already?” Jinyoung snorts. “Shall I call Youngjae for the whole picture?”

“Youngjae will rather speak Californian satoori soon,” Jackson cackles in response. They chat about Korean a little since Jinyoung always likes to talk languages with him, and Jackson likes it, too, and he misses the moment when their conversation turns to the eternal slippery topic of addressing others.

“It took you long to stop calling him the B-boy King, too,” Jinyoung pointedly turns off the game. “Oh, maybe you should just switch back to that to end your suffering?”

Go figure if Jinyoung is really joking, or if he’s trying to jokingly hide his intention to cheer Jackson up a bit. Jinyoung knows — about the phrase itself, about Jackson’s failures to follow Jaebum’s permission, all of that. He actually knows quite a lot even though Jackson doesn’t say much to him, and obviously Jaebum says even less. Of course, Jackson never asks, and Jinyoung also never mentions that, but no matter how little, Jaebum still must tell him something.

Jackson shrugs in response and puts his head on Jinyoung’s shoulder. He’s probably now rolling his eyes and cursing in his mind at how Jackson’s hair is prickling at his jawline, making him itchy.

“Wang gaee,” Jackson whispers in a deep voice. Well, since they’re on the topic of silly names.

Jinyoung shakes with laughter and doesn’t continue after him. Stingy.

“Wang gae,” Jackson repeats and butts him. “Jinyoung-ah, come on. Wang gae.”

“Park gae,” Jinyoung agrees. Jackson can only see his knee and a shoe’s toe, but somehow he’s sure that there’re again whiskers in the corners of his eyes from him smiling.

Jinyoung raises his hand — to scratch his chin and cheek after all, Jackson thinks, — but instead Jinyoung scratches Jackson behind his ear. Now who of them is taking this Wang gae Park gae thing too seriously, huh?

“I think,” Jinyoung says right before the boarding call, “everything will be fine. Even though he’s now sulking over you still ‘hyung’ing him. Funny leader we’ve got, eh?”

If Jinyoung told him something like that in the very beginning, Jackson would probably just roll his eyes and opt for taking him out to eat meat together to keep him from saying such silly words of pity. Now, however, Jackson is much more inclined to believe that everything will be fine himself. Sooner or later, it will be. Though what can be considered soon, and what late, is a tricky question.

Maybe that’s actually Jinyoung’s purpose, to know when to say something like this for it to succeed at cheering him up.

So Jackson just keeps on waiting, which is quite simple with their comeback being just around the corner. He waits for Jaebum, for his own self; it just coincides with waiting for the song’s release, their showcase, and the first stage. Hence Jackson’s worries are buried under the adrenaline and lack of free time, and somehow it also tilts him towards thinking that “fine” from Jinyoung’s prediction will happen rather sooner than later.

And it all happens naturally — Jaebum puts his hand over Jackson’s before they all shout “jjai!” and smiles at him so brightly it makes Jackson amazed at how nothing has changed for him. They’ve kissed and talked, slept together and confessed their feelings, and yet just a smile from Jaebum is enough for Jackson’s heart to start fluttering with every butterfly from every romantic movie. Those who say they’re in stomach are so wrong, really.

This is so not ever going away, and Jackson is so not going to ever get used to it. Also, to how later, back in their room, Jaebum lingers in his arms when Jackson casually hugs him. In fact, he hugs everyone like this from time to time (even though Jinyoung always breaks free after a second), so it’s totally normal to hug Jaebum when he’s extremely tired, too, but Jaebum holds him in place and rests his closed eyes against Jackson’s temple. As if completely relaxing.

“Jaebumie,” Jackson whispers almost inaudibly. Maybe, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe, Jaebum asked for it to be said not even when nobody else is there, but with a barely audible voice. Jaebum smiles in response.

This is exactly what Jackson was wishing for during those hard days of July, and probably not only he was. Even though right now he doesn’t say all he wanted to say back then, he still wants to. But it’s just that in this very moment keeping silent while standing beside each other also seems important to him.

At least Jackson doesn’t miss a chance to tell all ahgase who came to a fansign how Jaebumie-hyung is talented, how Jaebumie-hyung is chic and sexy, and how Jaebumie-hyung becomes even more wonderful when he showers with the door open.

Jaebum laughs at his jokes and anecdotes each time, and Jackson is almost ready to believe it’s that carefree laughter that Jaebum broke into during the concerts before their damned scandal. And maybe Jackson will be right to take this as another sign that he has something to look forward to.

The premiere live of their reality show (which Jackson won’t ever forgive for that subway ride to the airport) pretty unexpectedly prompts him to finally get out into the world those special and precious words that he actually wanted to whisper in Jaebum’s ear while lying beside him, but, well, since it’s come to this — broadcasting them to the whole country all at once isn’t that bad either. So be it, let everyone, not just Jaebum, know.

“Read it yourself,” Jackson shoves his smartphone under Jaebum’s nose. The line in question must have immediately caught Jaebum’s eye since he instantly protests. But Jackson has already set out — not to prove that he’s truthful about his members’ contact names, — but rather to hear Jaebum say out loud something that he has to believe in himself. And Jackson won’t settle for him not believing. Because it’s wrong for Jaebum to always seek only flaws and faults inside of himself.

“My beloved best leader in the world Jaebumie-hyung,” Jaebum reads under Jackson’s intense gaze from his side. Jinyoung watches both of them not less intensely from the other. Mark calls for a check: he doesn’t believe Jackson got Jaebum saved as “hyung”, and this starts a lively discussion during which, thankfully, Youngjae also decides to share his contact names. Yugyeom immediately picks at “Yugyeom Kim” and starts to question why Youngjae typed his name in this order, as if he were a foreigner. All of this comes in handy to Jackson, since he can’t really focus on anything else, but the way Jaebum’s voice sounded when saying what Jackson feels each time he looks at him.

Jaebum hugs Jackson, pulling him towards by the head, and Jackson barely manages to glance at him: Jaebum looks happy. No, really, he is smiling with his crescent, almost closed eyes, and he looks at Jackson as if he almost doesn’t care how much warmth which isn’t ordinary leader’s one is in there. Jaebum may be thinking that his gaze almost isn’t visible when he smiles, anyway. To Jackson, it is visible, of course. He’s said that Jinyoung’s got story in his eyes, which is true, but, honestly, Jaebum has no less story in his, especially when it’s the personal story of the two of them.

“Gimme your phone,” Jaebum says suddenly in the car after the show, turning in his seat. “Jackson-aah, gimme your phone. And unblock it, too.”

“Hyung, you should better get Youngae’s and fix it to ‘Kim Yugyeom’,” Yugyeom calls from the side, and Bambam immediately offers to add something like “Dance God”, but oh, wait— Jaebumie-hyung certainly won’t do it since he’s the B-boy King himself, Jackson-hyung, confirm that he’s the B-boy King, it’s eeeeasyyyyyyyy, right, and it all concludes with a dab in the car’s open windows. Jackson’s phone plops at his lap, and at first he forgets to check what Jaebum wanted with it.

“My beloved best leader in the world Jaebumie,” says his contacts list afterwards.

And suddenly Jackson feels so good — not because Jaebum deliberately erased “hyung” that he was so keen on adding before, but because he agreed this easily that he’s the best leader in the world for Jackson.

“Thank you,” Jaebum says from below when it’s already dark in their room. Jackson fidgets in his bed a little and then quickly blurts out:

“Just wrote the truth, how it is and always will be.”

“Yeah,” Jaebum’s voice sounds muffled, as if he’s talking through his pillow. “Thank you.”

Jackson stretches his hand down, fingers spread wide, as a sign of them reaching such a unanimous agreement on how well Jaebum fulfils his function in the group. Jackson wonders whether he will see his hand at all if his face is really burrowed in the pillow, and even if he does — will he high-five him.

Jaebum smacks Jackson’s hand with his properly, but then slowly traces his fingers down Jackson’s palm, as if he doesn’t want to let go too soon, and when he reaches the end, his fingertips hook on Jackson’s. It is honestly not really comfortable, maybe even more so for Jaebum, but either of them totally doesn’t want to let go first.

“Jaebum-ah,” Jackson’s face might crack from the way he’s smiling into the darkness right now, but what can he do about it. “Jaebum-ah.”

“What,” Jaebum carefully caresses Jackson’s fingers with his own, and Jackson feels such tremendous unspoken tenderness in this little gesture that he wants to plunge headfirst, hug Jaebum and lie beside him until the very morning. And even after that Jackson — no, both of them — will definitely still have enough tenderness left for a million years to come.

Still, Jackson waits some more.

“You’ll fall asleep like this,” he says simply. Jaebum continues to hold him.

“So be it.”

They lie like this in silence for a while — Jackson is almost over the edge, but he doesn’t look down, as if it would ruin the moment — until Jaebum lets go, having fallen asleep.

They began with “don’t say anything” and then they had “I like you, but”, and simply “like you”, too, and now it’s as if through “you don’t have to call me hyung” they’ve returned to not saying anything, but now it’s completely different.

That time it meant that saying anything was dangerous. Now it seems to Jackson that it’s rather not needed that much. It’s all evident from the way Jaebum allows himself to hold Jackson’s hand before sleep, without feeling that by doing that he’ll stop being the dignified and responsible leader that his head filled with rules thinks his group deserves. Just like Jackson wanted, here and now Jaebum lets himself be just a person named Im Jaebum, who makes his decisions based only on whether he likes a person named Jackson Wang or not, and doesn’t consider this undermining to his ideas of self-requirements and obligations.

During their fencing filming Jaebum hugs him first, with such force that Jackson’s ribs are crunching under his uniform. Or maybe it’s the uniform that’s crunching, and he’s just too happy from seeing Jaebum so overjoyed. The way they’re hugging now is obviously much different from those quiet moments shared by just the two of them when Jaebum is too tired and Jackson wants to take his tiredness away. Now the whole group is watching them, and the old fencing friend of Jackson’s (“See, didn’t I tell you I had friends much older than me who aren’t my hyungs.” — “But we’ve unlocked it already, haven’t we.” — “But I did tell you!”), and, what’s the most important, cameras are watching them, too.

And still, Jaebum hugs him every damn time Jackson scores, and even when the hug is too short, hands barely locking on his back, then breaking apart the very next moment, even then it makes Jackson completely breathless and doesn’t leave room for any normal thoughts.

Oh God, is this really it, has Jaebum really let go of himself, is he really just hugging Jackson when he wants to without telling himself that he must control every movement and every look because he’s obliged to do that as the leader.

Jaebum whispers in his ear, come on, you’re Jackson, you can do anything, I believe in you more than in anyone in the world. All of these hurried pep talks sound to Jackson like Jaebum is attempting to try and fit in these few hours of their teamwork all the words he couldn’t allow himself to say since the very beginning of this personal story for just the two of them that Jackson can see in his eyes.

It now seems to Jackson that Jaebum has never, not since their debut, their trainee days, or their very first meeting, never has Jaebum looked at him the way he looks at him during this filming. So, can they have a happy ending after all? Is everything going to be fine, like Jinyoung promised?

What was Jinyoung saying about Jackson’s lost fencing career? He can now say that he’s been fencing his whole life just for this day, the day when he gets to pick Im Jaebum to be in his team and to break through each and every barrier left with just two of them. All of his training was worth this, all of Jinyoung’s nitpicking, youngsters’ laughing, and Mark’s attempts to question whether he retained all fencing skills — everything was worth this. 

“Jaebum-ah,” Jackson yells at some particularly good lunge. “Go, Jaebum-ah!”

It just slips out, quite suddenly for Jackson himself — when did he get so used to it, he thinks with a dread, realizing that it’s been caught on camera, and now he can only hope for it to be edited out. And who knows what Jaebum will think about it getting recorded.

Jaebum grabs his hand afterwards and his eyes are glowing. Jackson could think that, well, it can happen to anyone competing and winning, but in reality Jaebum wasn’t even close to winning, even considering that successful hit. Jaebum’s eyes are glowing just from holding Jackson’s hand and telling him again, go, I believe in you.

I love you, Jackson thinks. Simply like this, right here and now, when you’re hot and sweaty, trying to remove your glove with your teeth (just why?) and dropping your sabre in the process. I love you, and it feels so damn good.

They obviously don’t win, but really, who cares. Jinyoung seems to roll his eyes every time his eyes land on Jaebum, and Jackson can’t help but think that it feels nice not to be the biggest fool in Park Jinyoung’s eyes.

“And then we’re going to have a V-live,” the very same Park Jinyoung instructs with a preschool teacher’s tone. “Well, after everybody’s changed. And while Bambam is putting back on his eye makeup, maybe Mark will come up with something to say.”

Jaebum laughs in his glove when Bambam tries to force Jinyoung to look at his eyelids to see for himself that Bambam didn’t even put on any eyeliner today. Jackson wants so badly to take Jaebum’s hand, or jump at him, to be completely sure that these wonders of them being paired up are going to last even after the filming has ended. Well, he believes anyway that they will, but it’s always pleasant to have some substantial proof. But it’s probably better to wait until they’re at the dorm.

Or not, Jackson thinks, when Jaebum gets in the changing room right after him — the one that Jackson used alone since he came to the site before everyone else. Or it is indeed better to wait, he thinks when it turns out that Jaebum also changed here (apparently, there was not enough space in the other room). Or not — when they turn to each other face to face, just like on that first hot summer night.

Jinyoung is probably turning on the phone for the V-live just about now, and Jackson has only one hand inside his sweater, and his jeans are still undone, and, and.

Jaebum smiles right into his lips, whispers their first “just don’t say anything” and kisses him with that happy smile of his. Oh dear God, _oh God_ , this can’t be happening, it totally can’t, and yet here it is, quite undeniably, happening to Jackson right here right now. He’s being kissed by a completely happy and not worrying about anything, and not going to worry about anything afterwards, simply a person Im Jaebum.

Really, they’ve done it so many times already, and Jackson will remember each and every time they kissed, and all the times are going to be dear to him, each in their own way, even if it hurt him later, even it was painful because Jaebum was in pain, and yet nothing can ever compare to the way kissing with happy Jaebum feels. Jaebum keeps smiling and shortly whispers “Seun-aah” when they catch breath, even though it was him who said not to say anything, and settles his forehead against Jackson’s temple, kissing his blonde locks, then moving down to kiss his neck.

Jackson embraces him, caresses his back and of course he doesn’t think — how can he think right now — but simply feels with his whole soul, how he wants to get lost in this moment and in his feelings towards Jaebum. Just to eternally stay like this, in this happiness that the two of them are sharing right now.

“Jaebumie,” Jackson repeats for countless times in response, and Jaebum bites his lip. Jackson shivers from this greediness that Jaebum doesn’t even try to conceal now. He just wants him, that’s all, and he knows Jackson wants him no less.

People come knocking at the door (it’s good they at least don’t break into the room straight away), and Jackson barely makes out Youngae, and then Jinyoung. They should definitely break apart and go broadcast V-live looking normally, but Jackson highly doubts that he can feign a normal look at any point today, and maybe not even only today.

Jaebum mutters in his ear disappointedly, oh weeeell, I guess we should gooooo, but instead of letting go of Jackson and going outside to continue working he runs his fingers down Jackson’s spine and pecks behind his ear. Not greedily this time, but rather pouring his whole silent tenderness. They obviously should go, they’ll have a whole evening in their room to themselves, and then night, and then a million days to come, but Jackson’s waited for so long he wants to stroke Jaebum’s hair right here and now, and tell him right here and now:

“Jaebum-ah.”

Jaebum sniffs into him like a cat, and somehow brings himself to move away — or, rather, stops hugging him and nuzzling against him, but still holds his hand. Jackson is torn into pieces from the sight of Jaebum’s still smiling, swollen lips.

“I love you,” Jackson says in Chinese right then, accompanied by intelligent knocking at the door (Jinyoung) and attempts to slide a sabre under the door (Youngjae on Mark’s prompt). Jackson completely forgets of the existence of Korean, he forgets simply about everything but Jaebum standing in front of him and the feel of his hand in Jackson’s. “Jaebum-ah. Love you.”

Jaebum laughs, so happy, so beautiful when happy, the best person in the world not just as a leader, but simply as Im Jaebum. He laughs and repeats uneven Chinese sounds after Jackson. Of course, he knows what they mean.

Jackson pecks the top of Jaebum’s head right at the beginning of the V-live, and he is totally intending to hug Jaebum throughout the whole broadcast. Because, well, Jaebum was hugging him during their whole fencing segment, and Jackson also wants to do the same.

“Leader-nim,” Jinyoung hisses from above. “Leader-nim, ugh… Come and get it, GOT7~!”

**Author's Note:**

> The beautiful illustration is a commission done by blau_ollie @ Twitter.  
> This fic is based on many things that actually happened, but some of them were adjusted to fit the story, because this is a fiction after all!


End file.
